Core

Nothing can prepare you for love. Even an abundance of love or an unlimited lifetime of it cannot.

I remember the very first time I told him I loved him. I felt a dam had burst in my heart and a river of emotion was flowing out through every pore of my being. And then he said it back and there I felt a rush of pure joy. Emotion over powered me. Nothing had prepared me for that moment; the moment I decided to love.

I remember asking him to leave and never come back. I remember waves of grief crashing against my heart as I pushed him out of my life. Sobs wracked my body as I attempted to rid myself of the most intense pain I had every felt. Emotion overpowered me. Nothing had prepared me for that moment; the moment I decided to stop loving.

Nothing ever prepares you for the joy, the grief, the peace, the passion, the madness, the silence, and the murky yet glorious depths of love. Each shade of it takes you by surprise. Each gentle stroke hits you with an unexpected force and each violent jolt soothes with unexpected grace.

Every moment, every single moment of our lives is governed by love. It is governed by our need to give it, our desire to receive it, our wish to play with it, our hope to grow with it, our pain when it disappoints, our aspiration to set it apart, our ambition to make it last and our arrogance to tame it.

It’s only in a sudden moment of realisation that it hit me..every action I have ever taken whether consciously or sub-consciously has been dictated by this mysterious force.

As I walked into my house today knowing that a whole evening of entertaining myself lay ahead of me, I hoped to be able to stream a new movie on the internet, read a couple of articles I had bookmarked online and chat with a few friends before I went to bed. Turning the computer on, I was welcomed by the annoying yet familiar icon of ‘no network connectivity’ in my activity tray. The annoyance quickly turned into frustration within a few minutes as my mind hastily tried to settle on another activity for the evening. Sadly there was none. I was left alone to my devices, with my own thoughts racing within the myriad passages in the maze of my mind.

Left alone, the mind truly is a devil’s workshop. A devil pumped up on many steroids. Left alone the workshop makes you listen to uncomfortable thoughts that do not disappear without the distraction of a television set, a group of interesting friends or the vast nothingness of the internet. The mind has to squirm and listen to every loud thought, a million at a time both dispersed and sharp. The mind has to distinguish between fanciful imaginations, horrific illusions; overactive visualisations and most importantly pick the sober most thoughts like singular unmarked stars in this cosmic expanse.

Left alone with my thoughts, I was able to pick out the one driving force in my life – love. Love connects our past, present and future. Some call it the threads of fate or destiny intertwining every moment of our lives, others call it karma but it’s not external. This love has a butterfly effect on our existence; from the moment we are born to eons after we die. This is the love of parents, friends, siblings, professors and people we work with and true love. Love is more core to our existence than gravity. We might believe we are independent of its pull but all of our decisions are based on a push from/to other people.

Thinking is our gift; it’s what sets our species apart. I would feel so proud to be aware of my flaws, to identify patterns of my past mirroring in the actions of my present without taking my thought that step deeper and seeing how it’s all about love; the loss of it, the desire for it, it’s scarcity and it’s abundance.